Does Crazy Ever Leave?

As you know, I started this blog because I found myself without answers and heading in unknown directions and figured if I had to make the journey, I might as well share the experience with others. Sometimes the trip is funny, sometimes it just is what it is, and I am starting to see that sometimes it is going to be hard, really hard. These are the times when I start to wonder if the crazy ever leaves. Some people are blessed with paths in life that steer away from crazy . . . I apparently have an enormous crazy magnet deep inside me that no matter how hard I try cannot help but attract to me situations that not only would I rather avoid, I didn’t know existed in my life. I knew these situations were out in the world, somewhere . . . but always far away. The classic “It will never happen to me,” way of thinking . . . apparently, I didn’t outgrow this either.

There are times in life that require a little faith . . . my question is, where does one get this faith when you simply don’t have any? This isn’t a religious question. I think there are different types of faith. I have plenty of faith in God . . . there is a reason for everything and so on . . . what I need right now is faith in the everyday, faith in the fact that things sometimes should just be what they seem. I want to have faith that what I know to be true is in fact true. I want a break from the crazy. I make a lot of jokes about being crazy, having crazy things happen in my life, and attracting crazy but I am very serious about wanting to know how one can turn off crazy . . . just for a moment, just so I can breathe.

How do you breathe when the crazy in life is squeezing so hard . . . how do you move forward when the adrenaline is running out and all that remains is emptiness? I need to know where I get the faith that one day when I close my eyes I will simply fall asleep without all the nightmares of the day being there rolling round and round in my head.

What I do know . . . funny thing about faith . . . you have to have it when there is not a reason in the world to. You have to dig very deep sometimes and despite all better judgment believe that it will be better tomorrow . . . that one way or another you will end up exactly where you were destined to be. In the meantime, though I am not going to lie, I am having a hard time having faith . . . faith in my decisions, faith in what is, faith in what I thought was my life, and faith in ending up some place I am proud of. I tried all day today to find a bit of faith. Today it didn’t happen, faith eluded me. I will try again tomorrow . . . I suppose that in and of itself is the seed of faith.