The Crazy Crew

The Crazy Crew

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who knew there would be mid-terms?

I keep thinking that I need to have something really profound or funny to say in order to post a blog on any given day. Unfortunately with this rule the blogging will be going downhill quickly so I have had to change my theory on what is “worthy” of being part of the blog. When I last left you, I was having some issues with faith . . . I can’t say that my faith has been repaired and that everything is right in my world. It isn’t. My life right now is a bit off center, off kilter, and off in the distance. I say this because the way I choose to cope with the things I don’t want to deal with is to push them away. Not too far . . . I don’t want “it” completely out of site, I just want “it” over there. We all have our way of coping and for me a smile and laugh can push something just far enough away to dull the pain. The more distance the more comfortable I can fake the situation into being, but I don’t ever want to be delusional about the reality of any situation I find myself in. So, “it”, which I guess is reality, can sit at the front of my crazy bus and I will sit in the back seat. We will ride around together and I will watch “it” quietly, just in case “it” randomly or suddenly makes a move or changes again.

I started thinking about coping and how dysfunctional we can make the entire coping process when I heard today about a situation a very dear friend of mine is in. Since this is a blog about me and not someone else, I won’t detail their situation but I will tell you it made me look at myself to see if my way of coping is causing dysfunction to the level I am seeing in this other person’s situation. You know, clarity at a distance. I was wondering if I am just not realizing that I am causing more problems by avoiding the screaming, the crying, the shaking my fists at the world and all the general bitching about what currently ails me. By not expressing my displeasure, confusion, anger, and pain about “it” am I causing myself to become more crazy?

I want to now know why smack in the middle of my mid-life crisis I am having a mini-crisis. Now I don’t know about you but nowhere did I ever read about or hear some TV talk show host talking about how to deal with a special edition crisis that shows up when you are already in mid-life and fully in your scheduled crisis. Here I am, already in my full-blown crisis of what to do with my life, just starting to settle into the new choices I have made and WHAM! Mini-crisis upside the head!! I think I must have been very naughty in my past lives . . .

I am beginning to think that mid-life is where we take our mid-terms for life. The subjects seem to be: Faith, Patience, Love, Gratitude, Acceptance, Understanding, and Forgiveness. These are subjects I am not sure I prepared properly for . . . and today I am not sure which, if any I actually have the ability to pass.

For any of you reading and wondering about this mid-life crazy crisis situation because you feel “it” coming on for your own life . . . watch out for the mini-crisis, it’s a doozey and maybe brush up on your soft skills . . . you’re going to need it!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Does Crazy Ever Leave?

As you know, I started this blog because I found myself without answers and heading in unknown directions and figured if I had to make the journey, I might as well share the experience with others. Sometimes the trip is funny, sometimes it just is what it is, and I am starting to see that sometimes it is going to be hard, really hard. These are the times when I start to wonder if the crazy ever leaves. Some people are blessed with paths in life that steer away from crazy . . . I apparently have an enormous crazy magnet deep inside me that no matter how hard I try cannot help but attract to me situations that not only would I rather avoid, I didn’t know existed in my life. I knew these situations were out in the world, somewhere . . . but always far away. The classic “It will never happen to me,” way of thinking . . . apparently, I didn’t outgrow this either.

There are times in life that require a little faith . . . my question is, where does one get this faith when you simply don’t have any? This isn’t a religious question. I think there are different types of faith. I have plenty of faith in God . . . there is a reason for everything and so on . . . what I need right now is faith in the everyday, faith in the fact that things sometimes should just be what they seem. I want to have faith that what I know to be true is in fact true. I want a break from the crazy. I make a lot of jokes about being crazy, having crazy things happen in my life, and attracting crazy but I am very serious about wanting to know how one can turn off crazy . . . just for a moment, just so I can breathe.

How do you breathe when the crazy in life is squeezing so hard . . . how do you move forward when the adrenaline is running out and all that remains is emptiness? I need to know where I get the faith that one day when I close my eyes I will simply fall asleep without all the nightmares of the day being there rolling round and round in my head.

What I do know . . . funny thing about faith . . . you have to have it when there is not a reason in the world to. You have to dig very deep sometimes and despite all better judgment believe that it will be better tomorrow . . . that one way or another you will end up exactly where you were destined to be. In the meantime, though I am not going to lie, I am having a hard time having faith . . . faith in my decisions, faith in what is, faith in what I thought was my life, and faith in ending up some place I am proud of. I tried all day today to find a bit of faith. Today it didn’t happen, faith eluded me. I will try again tomorrow . . . I suppose that in and of itself is the seed of faith.