My life has not exactly taken the most straight or smoothest of paths to where I am today. You could say I like to learn some, ok most of my lessons the hard way. Would you like some of my top examples? It took me 17 years to get my bachelor’s degree. In 2004 when I finally went back to finish what I started I realized I had wasted 6 years of time in classes and so much money and I had nothing to show for it . I have been married 3 times; one I can say I was too young to know better, blame it on young love, but that second one . . . man, I should have known better. I had a 2 year old when most people my age were looking forward to turning 21 with their whole lives ahead of them. I spent years jumping from crappy job to dead end job and needing the support of my parents into my late 20’s, they bailed me out of more dumb decisions than I care to even remember.
Do I regret all the wrong paths I took to get where I am today? No, I do not. Would I recommend my path to my daughter who at 19 sometimes makes decisions that make me want to beat my head against a wall . . . never in a million years. This was my path, good, bad, and hellatious though it may have been at times! It is the path that leads to me today, happy . . . a bit crazy, but ultimately pleased with what life looks like at 38.
So here it is, a list of some of the things I thought might never happen in my life.
1. A 5-year anniversary with a husband. There for a while I had three marriages that did not add up to 5 years!
2. Own a car that was not given to me but purchased brand new and completely paid off. Love that little ION!
3. Earn a college degree. I must give so much credit to Alex and Lester for their support as they picked up all the slack while I did schoolwork. Today I have 3 degrees and I am putting those degrees to work. In addition to my full time position, I also teach college courses.
4. That I would pass a math class. Thank you to Merla (the best math teacher ever) I passed both my college math courses with As!
5. Take my daughter on a real vacation. Anyone who knows me knows I have more than taken care of this area! Much to Lester’s dismay many times.
6. Move more than an hour from the town I grew up in. 33 years later, (I lived in Mountain Home from the time I was 5) here I am in Phoenix, AZ.
This is just a small list however; this is the list that makes me believe against all odds that things I think will never happen, do. It gives me hope that small miracles happen and life works out sometimes in a way that is more interesting than you could imagine. Did most of them also take a large amount of hard work? You bet your butt! I can honestly say that every one of these things meant something huge to me, no matter how small or simple they may seem to anyone else. To me each one meant I had achieved a level of success that came after a long path of stress, tears, laughter, and sometimes long talks over beer with some great friends. These were my dreams that have become reality. Therefore, to all of you I say, Never stop believing in things, people, and miracles, you never know what may happen.
Faith, trust and pixie dust can often take you places you never imagined! (Though I really think pixie dust is code for patience and hard work!)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Mother’s Day! Today was my first Mother’s Day spent without my Mom or my Daughter to celebrate with. My first “alone” Mother’s day if you will. It was a good day, just different. My mother Carole passed away many years ago and still I miss her terribly. My daughter Alexandrea, well she is simply growing up, creating her own life and decided to stay in Utah and work over the summer so she can live in an apartment instead of the dorms this fall. So why blog this? Well without the usual Mother’s Day activities it left me with time to think and contemplate . . .
There are Mothers that we have that gave birth to us. I happen to think I had the best one ever. Mine taught me what being a good person was. She showed me through her actions how to be a friend, what true love looked like, and about sacrificing yourself for the happiness of your child/children. She also taught me one of the things I value most, how to be silly. That may sound strange to you, but to me it meant being comfortable in your own skin and liking the person you are on the inside. When I was a teenager my Mom would dance around the house (she called it exercising), she would sing and lightly tease my brother and myself. She would make us breakfast for dinner, she would watch old movies with me, and she would come up with crafts that used items like black trash sacks or old readers digest magazines. She was creative, humble, and more loving than any person I have ever known. My mother was a role model . . . patient, kind, and loyal . . . everything I want to be and more. I give her so much of the credit for the wonderful person my daughter Alexandrea has become. If you ask Alex she will likely say that I am silly. To me this is one of the greatest complements I could receive. I also hope I have done my mother proud in passing the wonderful traits I learned from her on to my daughter. I miss you Mom . . . every day and every day I am grateful for the woman you helped me become! Happy Mother’s Day!
There are also Mothers that we choose in our lives or they choose us. I am extremely lucky to have just such a person who stepped in after my mother passed away and offered up her love just as if I was her daughter. Sue married my father a few years after my mother passed away. She was one of the few true friends my mother had in her life. One of the only people I remember my mom buying Christmas and Birthday gifts for. She came into my life and gave love to my father and daughter. She accepted us all as her family. The people who step into circumstances such as this take a huge leap of faith. They jump in with both feet and often take more criticism than necessary. Sue has been a wonderful addition to our family and has taught us all how accepting a heart can be. I know that the term is “step-mother” however this gives a connotation that I cannot subscribe to, a feeling of a step away from being a real mother. Who says we can only have one mother? Mother in my opinion is an action and not a title. Sue has stepped in and taken on one of the hardest jobs in the world. Worrying, caring, loving, helping and accepting two additional children and two grandchildren. She has two children and several grandchildren of her own and chose to add us to her family. We are fortunate to have such an amazing woman in our lives and I am thankful each day that I was lucky enough to be blessed a second time in my life with a wonderful Mother. Sue, Thank you for being you and for everything you have done to help our family grow and heal! Happy Mother’s Day!
On Mother’s Day there is one other person who I have learned so much from that needs to be acknowledged. Without her I would certainly not be the person I am today. Alexandrea, you make being a mother a very rewarding experience. You have taught me more in your nearly 19 years than I could ever list. You are the reason I work at being a better person and often the reason I accomplish my goals. Because of you I am a college graduate, I have learned to take risks, and have found much more joy in everyday life. Thank you Alex for being such a wonderful daughter. I am proud everyday to be your mother! One day I hope you have children who will tell you that they think you are silly . . . and I hope you will say you got that from your mother.
There are Mothers that we have that gave birth to us. I happen to think I had the best one ever. Mine taught me what being a good person was. She showed me through her actions how to be a friend, what true love looked like, and about sacrificing yourself for the happiness of your child/children. She also taught me one of the things I value most, how to be silly. That may sound strange to you, but to me it meant being comfortable in your own skin and liking the person you are on the inside. When I was a teenager my Mom would dance around the house (she called it exercising), she would sing and lightly tease my brother and myself. She would make us breakfast for dinner, she would watch old movies with me, and she would come up with crafts that used items like black trash sacks or old readers digest magazines. She was creative, humble, and more loving than any person I have ever known. My mother was a role model . . . patient, kind, and loyal . . . everything I want to be and more. I give her so much of the credit for the wonderful person my daughter Alexandrea has become. If you ask Alex she will likely say that I am silly. To me this is one of the greatest complements I could receive. I also hope I have done my mother proud in passing the wonderful traits I learned from her on to my daughter. I miss you Mom . . . every day and every day I am grateful for the woman you helped me become! Happy Mother’s Day!
There are also Mothers that we choose in our lives or they choose us. I am extremely lucky to have just such a person who stepped in after my mother passed away and offered up her love just as if I was her daughter. Sue married my father a few years after my mother passed away. She was one of the few true friends my mother had in her life. One of the only people I remember my mom buying Christmas and Birthday gifts for. She came into my life and gave love to my father and daughter. She accepted us all as her family. The people who step into circumstances such as this take a huge leap of faith. They jump in with both feet and often take more criticism than necessary. Sue has been a wonderful addition to our family and has taught us all how accepting a heart can be. I know that the term is “step-mother” however this gives a connotation that I cannot subscribe to, a feeling of a step away from being a real mother. Who says we can only have one mother? Mother in my opinion is an action and not a title. Sue has stepped in and taken on one of the hardest jobs in the world. Worrying, caring, loving, helping and accepting two additional children and two grandchildren. She has two children and several grandchildren of her own and chose to add us to her family. We are fortunate to have such an amazing woman in our lives and I am thankful each day that I was lucky enough to be blessed a second time in my life with a wonderful Mother. Sue, Thank you for being you and for everything you have done to help our family grow and heal! Happy Mother’s Day!
On Mother’s Day there is one other person who I have learned so much from that needs to be acknowledged. Without her I would certainly not be the person I am today. Alexandrea, you make being a mother a very rewarding experience. You have taught me more in your nearly 19 years than I could ever list. You are the reason I work at being a better person and often the reason I accomplish my goals. Because of you I am a college graduate, I have learned to take risks, and have found much more joy in everyday life. Thank you Alex for being such a wonderful daughter. I am proud everyday to be your mother! One day I hope you have children who will tell you that they think you are silly . . . and I hope you will say you got that from your mother.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Welcome back old friend!
Tax day, the day the government sticks it to each of us in our own unique way! This is a wonderful day for this blog about how just this once due to some cunning “re-stikery” I was able to beat the system, not with the government but equally fulfilling, with the tech ninjas at work!
The loveliest thing happened on Monday. (Have I ever mentioned I am honestly fairly easy to please?) Patience and some stealthy maneuvers have brought back to me my original large monitor! Oh, how I missed it and wished every day that it would return. Last Friday afternoon was the day our team was to pack up all our things and move from desks on the 2nd floor to our new location on the 3rd and this time, of course the damn IT Special Forces unit decided our current monitors would move with us! This meant my small monitor that I hate, but after our time together I had learned to tolerate and even curse at less with each day would go to my new work home with me. DRATS!!!!
Side note . . . we seem to move a lot in my department, no one quite knows why but who am I to complain, here I get a box to move to a new location not for termination purposes. Besides this move came with a stellar view and the ability to watch planes come and go all day! Have I said lately how much I love and am thankful for my job, my boss, and really my whole department? Well if not I should have. There isn’t enough space in online blog land to accurately express how grateful I am. Gratitude of this level is a wonderful feeling!
Meanwhile back to my story . . . the last 4 days have been wonderful, even more so than usual. No more sitting 12 inches from the screen to read my emails, no more side scrolling to see all the columns of the forms I work with, and no more 1 o’clock headaches! Can you all say Woo-freakin-Hoo with me . . . say it really loud and with much joy and you will have a small idea of how thrilled I am. I am even now thinking I should name my monitor. Suggestions anyone? I am thinking that maybe you want to know how my large monitor ended up back on my desk when the small one was headed there per the tech ninja’s instructions . . . well I will tell you.
There is a team that sits next to our team. One member of that team was the possessor of my large monitor due to the previous move. This person didn’t even use the monitor as they used a laptop full time so could have cared less if there was even one on the desk. My monitor was obviously so sad without me and the love I would give it Monday –Friday each week, dusting it, making sure finger prints were removed and appreciating its largeness. It was time to rescue the poor darling. This team happened to be doing a team function all afternoon on Friday. Hmmmm . . . a fellow co-worker of mine who for the sake of privacy will be called Smart Lady said, “We should get your monitor back.”
Each of us was to put stickers on each of our pieces of equipment that would, over the weekend, route all our equipment to our new desks. Smart Lady said, “When that team leaves for the day we will put your sticker on your old monitor and that sticker on yours.” It was worth a try. The worst that would happen is that Monday morning small monitor would be sitting at my desk taunting me in a cruel way. But alas, not to worry, Monday was a beautiful day and when I arrived at 6 a.m. there it was . . . the most beautiful piece of office equipment ever . . . my large monitor.
Take that you rotten tech ninjas!! Round 2 goes to me . . . I have won, at least until the next move.
Dear large monitor,
Welcome back! You were missed.
Dear small monitor,
I hope you like your new desk . . . and stay there!
Tracy
The loveliest thing happened on Monday. (Have I ever mentioned I am honestly fairly easy to please?) Patience and some stealthy maneuvers have brought back to me my original large monitor! Oh, how I missed it and wished every day that it would return. Last Friday afternoon was the day our team was to pack up all our things and move from desks on the 2nd floor to our new location on the 3rd and this time, of course the damn IT Special Forces unit decided our current monitors would move with us! This meant my small monitor that I hate, but after our time together I had learned to tolerate and even curse at less with each day would go to my new work home with me. DRATS!!!!
Side note . . . we seem to move a lot in my department, no one quite knows why but who am I to complain, here I get a box to move to a new location not for termination purposes. Besides this move came with a stellar view and the ability to watch planes come and go all day! Have I said lately how much I love and am thankful for my job, my boss, and really my whole department? Well if not I should have. There isn’t enough space in online blog land to accurately express how grateful I am. Gratitude of this level is a wonderful feeling!
Meanwhile back to my story . . . the last 4 days have been wonderful, even more so than usual. No more sitting 12 inches from the screen to read my emails, no more side scrolling to see all the columns of the forms I work with, and no more 1 o’clock headaches! Can you all say Woo-freakin-Hoo with me . . . say it really loud and with much joy and you will have a small idea of how thrilled I am. I am even now thinking I should name my monitor. Suggestions anyone? I am thinking that maybe you want to know how my large monitor ended up back on my desk when the small one was headed there per the tech ninja’s instructions . . . well I will tell you.
There is a team that sits next to our team. One member of that team was the possessor of my large monitor due to the previous move. This person didn’t even use the monitor as they used a laptop full time so could have cared less if there was even one on the desk. My monitor was obviously so sad without me and the love I would give it Monday –Friday each week, dusting it, making sure finger prints were removed and appreciating its largeness. It was time to rescue the poor darling. This team happened to be doing a team function all afternoon on Friday. Hmmmm . . . a fellow co-worker of mine who for the sake of privacy will be called Smart Lady said, “We should get your monitor back.”
Each of us was to put stickers on each of our pieces of equipment that would, over the weekend, route all our equipment to our new desks. Smart Lady said, “When that team leaves for the day we will put your sticker on your old monitor and that sticker on yours.” It was worth a try. The worst that would happen is that Monday morning small monitor would be sitting at my desk taunting me in a cruel way. But alas, not to worry, Monday was a beautiful day and when I arrived at 6 a.m. there it was . . . the most beautiful piece of office equipment ever . . . my large monitor.
Take that you rotten tech ninjas!! Round 2 goes to me . . . I have won, at least until the next move.
Dear large monitor,
Welcome back! You were missed.
Dear small monitor,
I hope you like your new desk . . . and stay there!
Tracy
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Resolutions . . . on Easter????
April 4, 2010
How are all of you doing on those New Year’s resolutions??? Me . . .well I am still in the starting phase on most of them and here we are at Easter!! I have 2 books partially read, have purchased more exercise items that haven’t been used, have thought many times about organizing things, and have watched too much TV. Wow, at this rate nothing would be done by Dec 31st this year.
This got me thinking, we all get caught up in the freshness of a new year. Somehow the number flip from one year to another makes us think of being better people and improving ourselves inside and out. Yet here we are at Easter and I am no softer on the inside or firmer on my outside!!! So much for the “listen more” and “eat less junk” I swore would be the new me and was exactly what I wanted to aspire to back on Jan 1st.
I now think that Easter may be the day to begin anew and make resolutions for the year. My theory is that Jesus rose from the ashes and I am fairly certain he would want us to do that as well . . . or at least try to drag ourselves out of whatever personal ashes our New Year’s resolutions crashed and burned in during the last 3 months. We should honor ourselves enough to rise up and out of the self doubt, unwarranted fear, and complacency and give to ourselves all those things, or at least a couple of them that we wanted so badly only three short months ago.
Maybe it is Spring more than any other time that screams NEWNESS and BETTER to us all. For me Spring certainly means change. We change wardrobe from bulky and overpowering to anything light and breezy. There is cleaning, organizing, purging, flowers bloom, trees bud, warmth returns to our day, and the days lengthen blessing us with more sunshine in our lives. Easter is the day in this wonderful season of renewal that symbolizes the extent of the possibility for newness and grants us all a huge opportunity . . . a New Year’s resolution DO OVER!
To everyone I say . . . Dig out that resolutions list, cross out where it says “New Year” before resolution and write in “New Me”. Start a new tradition with me. Pick yourself up, dust off those ashes and take full advantage of starting fresh today!
Maybe I will check back in on July 4th and let you know what I did when I decided to give myself a second chance at 2010’s resolutions! Here is to having some great things happen or I will have to come up with one hell of an “Independence from resolutions” talk to cover up!
Happy Easter everyone! Be thankful for what you have today and even more thankful for what you don’t! I know I am. I truly am blessed.
How are all of you doing on those New Year’s resolutions??? Me . . .well I am still in the starting phase on most of them and here we are at Easter!! I have 2 books partially read, have purchased more exercise items that haven’t been used, have thought many times about organizing things, and have watched too much TV. Wow, at this rate nothing would be done by Dec 31st this year.
This got me thinking, we all get caught up in the freshness of a new year. Somehow the number flip from one year to another makes us think of being better people and improving ourselves inside and out. Yet here we are at Easter and I am no softer on the inside or firmer on my outside!!! So much for the “listen more” and “eat less junk” I swore would be the new me and was exactly what I wanted to aspire to back on Jan 1st.
I now think that Easter may be the day to begin anew and make resolutions for the year. My theory is that Jesus rose from the ashes and I am fairly certain he would want us to do that as well . . . or at least try to drag ourselves out of whatever personal ashes our New Year’s resolutions crashed and burned in during the last 3 months. We should honor ourselves enough to rise up and out of the self doubt, unwarranted fear, and complacency and give to ourselves all those things, or at least a couple of them that we wanted so badly only three short months ago.
Maybe it is Spring more than any other time that screams NEWNESS and BETTER to us all. For me Spring certainly means change. We change wardrobe from bulky and overpowering to anything light and breezy. There is cleaning, organizing, purging, flowers bloom, trees bud, warmth returns to our day, and the days lengthen blessing us with more sunshine in our lives. Easter is the day in this wonderful season of renewal that symbolizes the extent of the possibility for newness and grants us all a huge opportunity . . . a New Year’s resolution DO OVER!
To everyone I say . . . Dig out that resolutions list, cross out where it says “New Year” before resolution and write in “New Me”. Start a new tradition with me. Pick yourself up, dust off those ashes and take full advantage of starting fresh today!
Maybe I will check back in on July 4th and let you know what I did when I decided to give myself a second chance at 2010’s resolutions! Here is to having some great things happen or I will have to come up with one hell of an “Independence from resolutions” talk to cover up!
Happy Easter everyone! Be thankful for what you have today and even more thankful for what you don’t! I know I am. I truly am blessed.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Movecations
I have not been blogtastic lately. I have been running in circles and really have had quite a few adventures that should have been documented. I have braved the DMV to license, title, and register our cars. I have received my new Arizona driver’s license and have completed what I hope are the last of my “movecations.” For those of you who are not sure what a movecation is, it is where you do a bunch of work like pack, hold garage sales, clean, load moving trucks and drive long distances in those moving trucks but when you mark down that time away from work you use your vacation hours.
I am here to tell you movecations are not relaxing. While they are nice for seeing friends in small doses regular old vacations are way better. In fact, I have decided when one must take a movecation it really should be immediately followed by an actual vacation, preferably on a cruise ship with someone giving you a massage and bringing you an umbrella drink.
This final movecation was to bring the rest of our stuff from Idaho to Arizona. I am now in a house consumed by boxes full of things I haven’t had for 6 months. This weekend will likely be like Christmas in April as I open all the boxes and reacquaint myself with all my clothes, shoes, purses and everything else that mysteriously was left behind in storage . . . funny since I remember marking all those boxes as “go to Phoenix”.
I suppose at this time I am completely official, I am an Arizonan or whatever they call us living here in the land of sun and heat. Lester has finished his first college class in his bachelor program, I have finished my first classes teaching as a college instructor and now we are waiting for our next adventures, new classes for both of us and a lot of unpacking. Hopefully I will be back on the blog soon updating you. If not send someone to find me it is likely I am trapped under a box of socks or t-shirts!
I am here to tell you movecations are not relaxing. While they are nice for seeing friends in small doses regular old vacations are way better. In fact, I have decided when one must take a movecation it really should be immediately followed by an actual vacation, preferably on a cruise ship with someone giving you a massage and bringing you an umbrella drink.
This final movecation was to bring the rest of our stuff from Idaho to Arizona. I am now in a house consumed by boxes full of things I haven’t had for 6 months. This weekend will likely be like Christmas in April as I open all the boxes and reacquaint myself with all my clothes, shoes, purses and everything else that mysteriously was left behind in storage . . . funny since I remember marking all those boxes as “go to Phoenix”.
I suppose at this time I am completely official, I am an Arizonan or whatever they call us living here in the land of sun and heat. Lester has finished his first college class in his bachelor program, I have finished my first classes teaching as a college instructor and now we are waiting for our next adventures, new classes for both of us and a lot of unpacking. Hopefully I will be back on the blog soon updating you. If not send someone to find me it is likely I am trapped under a box of socks or t-shirts!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Who knew there would be mid-terms?
I keep thinking that I need to have something really profound or funny to say in order to post a blog on any given day. Unfortunately with this rule the blogging will be going downhill quickly so I have had to change my theory on what is “worthy” of being part of the blog. When I last left you, I was having some issues with faith . . . I can’t say that my faith has been repaired and that everything is right in my world. It isn’t. My life right now is a bit off center, off kilter, and off in the distance. I say this because the way I choose to cope with the things I don’t want to deal with is to push them away. Not too far . . . I don’t want “it” completely out of site, I just want “it” over there. We all have our way of coping and for me a smile and laugh can push something just far enough away to dull the pain. The more distance the more comfortable I can fake the situation into being, but I don’t ever want to be delusional about the reality of any situation I find myself in. So, “it”, which I guess is reality, can sit at the front of my crazy bus and I will sit in the back seat. We will ride around together and I will watch “it” quietly, just in case “it” randomly or suddenly makes a move or changes again.
I started thinking about coping and how dysfunctional we can make the entire coping process when I heard today about a situation a very dear friend of mine is in. Since this is a blog about me and not someone else, I won’t detail their situation but I will tell you it made me look at myself to see if my way of coping is causing dysfunction to the level I am seeing in this other person’s situation. You know, clarity at a distance. I was wondering if I am just not realizing that I am causing more problems by avoiding the screaming, the crying, the shaking my fists at the world and all the general bitching about what currently ails me. By not expressing my displeasure, confusion, anger, and pain about “it” am I causing myself to become more crazy?
I want to now know why smack in the middle of my mid-life crisis I am having a mini-crisis. Now I don’t know about you but nowhere did I ever read about or hear some TV talk show host talking about how to deal with a special edition crisis that shows up when you are already in mid-life and fully in your scheduled crisis. Here I am, already in my full-blown crisis of what to do with my life, just starting to settle into the new choices I have made and WHAM! Mini-crisis upside the head!! I think I must have been very naughty in my past lives . . .
I am beginning to think that mid-life is where we take our mid-terms for life. The subjects seem to be: Faith, Patience, Love, Gratitude, Acceptance, Understanding, and Forgiveness. These are subjects I am not sure I prepared properly for . . . and today I am not sure which, if any I actually have the ability to pass.
For any of you reading and wondering about this mid-life crazy crisis situation because you feel “it” coming on for your own life . . . watch out for the mini-crisis, it’s a doozey and maybe brush up on your soft skills . . . you’re going to need it!
I started thinking about coping and how dysfunctional we can make the entire coping process when I heard today about a situation a very dear friend of mine is in. Since this is a blog about me and not someone else, I won’t detail their situation but I will tell you it made me look at myself to see if my way of coping is causing dysfunction to the level I am seeing in this other person’s situation. You know, clarity at a distance. I was wondering if I am just not realizing that I am causing more problems by avoiding the screaming, the crying, the shaking my fists at the world and all the general bitching about what currently ails me. By not expressing my displeasure, confusion, anger, and pain about “it” am I causing myself to become more crazy?
I want to now know why smack in the middle of my mid-life crisis I am having a mini-crisis. Now I don’t know about you but nowhere did I ever read about or hear some TV talk show host talking about how to deal with a special edition crisis that shows up when you are already in mid-life and fully in your scheduled crisis. Here I am, already in my full-blown crisis of what to do with my life, just starting to settle into the new choices I have made and WHAM! Mini-crisis upside the head!! I think I must have been very naughty in my past lives . . .
I am beginning to think that mid-life is where we take our mid-terms for life. The subjects seem to be: Faith, Patience, Love, Gratitude, Acceptance, Understanding, and Forgiveness. These are subjects I am not sure I prepared properly for . . . and today I am not sure which, if any I actually have the ability to pass.
For any of you reading and wondering about this mid-life crazy crisis situation because you feel “it” coming on for your own life . . . watch out for the mini-crisis, it’s a doozey and maybe brush up on your soft skills . . . you’re going to need it!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Does Crazy Ever Leave?
As you know, I started this blog because I found myself without answers and heading in unknown directions and figured if I had to make the journey, I might as well share the experience with others. Sometimes the trip is funny, sometimes it just is what it is, and I am starting to see that sometimes it is going to be hard, really hard. These are the times when I start to wonder if the crazy ever leaves. Some people are blessed with paths in life that steer away from crazy . . . I apparently have an enormous crazy magnet deep inside me that no matter how hard I try cannot help but attract to me situations that not only would I rather avoid, I didn’t know existed in my life. I knew these situations were out in the world, somewhere . . . but always far away. The classic “It will never happen to me,” way of thinking . . . apparently, I didn’t outgrow this either.
There are times in life that require a little faith . . . my question is, where does one get this faith when you simply don’t have any? This isn’t a religious question. I think there are different types of faith. I have plenty of faith in God . . . there is a reason for everything and so on . . . what I need right now is faith in the everyday, faith in the fact that things sometimes should just be what they seem. I want to have faith that what I know to be true is in fact true. I want a break from the crazy. I make a lot of jokes about being crazy, having crazy things happen in my life, and attracting crazy but I am very serious about wanting to know how one can turn off crazy . . . just for a moment, just so I can breathe.
How do you breathe when the crazy in life is squeezing so hard . . . how do you move forward when the adrenaline is running out and all that remains is emptiness? I need to know where I get the faith that one day when I close my eyes I will simply fall asleep without all the nightmares of the day being there rolling round and round in my head.
What I do know . . . funny thing about faith . . . you have to have it when there is not a reason in the world to. You have to dig very deep sometimes and despite all better judgment believe that it will be better tomorrow . . . that one way or another you will end up exactly where you were destined to be. In the meantime, though I am not going to lie, I am having a hard time having faith . . . faith in my decisions, faith in what is, faith in what I thought was my life, and faith in ending up some place I am proud of. I tried all day today to find a bit of faith. Today it didn’t happen, faith eluded me. I will try again tomorrow . . . I suppose that in and of itself is the seed of faith.
There are times in life that require a little faith . . . my question is, where does one get this faith when you simply don’t have any? This isn’t a religious question. I think there are different types of faith. I have plenty of faith in God . . . there is a reason for everything and so on . . . what I need right now is faith in the everyday, faith in the fact that things sometimes should just be what they seem. I want to have faith that what I know to be true is in fact true. I want a break from the crazy. I make a lot of jokes about being crazy, having crazy things happen in my life, and attracting crazy but I am very serious about wanting to know how one can turn off crazy . . . just for a moment, just so I can breathe.
How do you breathe when the crazy in life is squeezing so hard . . . how do you move forward when the adrenaline is running out and all that remains is emptiness? I need to know where I get the faith that one day when I close my eyes I will simply fall asleep without all the nightmares of the day being there rolling round and round in my head.
What I do know . . . funny thing about faith . . . you have to have it when there is not a reason in the world to. You have to dig very deep sometimes and despite all better judgment believe that it will be better tomorrow . . . that one way or another you will end up exactly where you were destined to be. In the meantime, though I am not going to lie, I am having a hard time having faith . . . faith in my decisions, faith in what is, faith in what I thought was my life, and faith in ending up some place I am proud of. I tried all day today to find a bit of faith. Today it didn’t happen, faith eluded me. I will try again tomorrow . . . I suppose that in and of itself is the seed of faith.
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